Saturday, April 26, 2014

The Joys of Nap Time

I'm convinced that 190%of people who get divorced in the year after they have a baby do it because one partner woke the baby up from his or her nap. Seriously. I know everyone says, "Oh, make noise and go about your normal routine when your baby is napping or you will be tiptoeing around for years to come." Yes people, you are correct. But as any parent knows, when you are desperate for a baby to take a nap, and then they FINALLY fall asleep, you will brave hell and high water to keep them that way.  Particularly if your baby had/has colic and you live in a split level house which renders baby monitors totally pointless and you have squeaky hardwood floors that have magically multiplied their volume since you brought your baby home... In this desperate time of trying to keep my baby asleep, I have had the following thoughts:
-I wonder if we can get Clyde shoebooties so that his nails don't click when he walks up and down the steps.
-I should take this bag of pretzels to work because I will never open it at home, it's far too loud.
-Why hasn't anyone invented a silent microwave?
- The baby has been really quiet. Oh God, I hope she's breathing. (Creep in to see baby, who lets out a loud sigh) Oh crap, I woke her up.
- I can't feel my arm/leg/foot but there's no way I'm moving.
- I have had to pee for at least three hours.
-  I seriously need to put stickers on all of the squeaky spots on the floor so I can avoid them.
- I will kill you barking dog/man on loud motorcycle/neighbor blasting Kid Rock.
-  She will totally wake up if I transfer her from her stroller to the car. Maybe I can walk all the way home?  So what if  it is miles and miles... On busy roads...And my car is here...
- Damn you sunlight.  Damn you wind. Damn you strangers having a conversation above a whisper.
- I can't do anything until she goes to sleep because I don't have free hands. Then... I can't do anything until she wakes up or I'll make noise.
- If Clyde scratches himself one more time I'm going to send him back to Alabama.
- I am watching the menu screen on TV because the remote is across the room and there is no way I'm  moving.
- I will never be able to flush a toilet again.
- There is absolutely no reason a laptop should make noise when you turn it on.
-  It is unacceptable for people to post Instagram videos with audio without warning.
- How did I not realize my camera flash was on?!?!!

The End.