Tuesday, July 23, 2013

My 5 Pregnancy Favorites (And the 5 Things I'm Living Without)

My 5 Pregnancy Favorites:

1) My L.L. Bean Plastic Water Bottle:  My sweet cousin gave this to me for Christmas two years ago and it has never come in more handy!  Whether I'm trying to drink 40 oz in the hour and a half before an ultrasound or just trying to stay hydrated during the day, the measurement marks on the side are really helpful.  I take it everywhere with me, usually with a splash of juice or lemonade at the bottom.  Mike usually asks me how my Outward Bound Trip went or when I'm heading on my camping trip, but hey, whatever works!

2) Tracy Anderson Pregnancy Workout DVDs:  As someone who has always relied on working out to stay healthy and sane, trying to figure out what is safe and smart to do when you're pregnant is a little intimidating.  I don't want to be lazy, but I don't want to be stupid either.  Tracy's DVDs come in a set with a different workout video for each month of pregnancy.  I bought them on sale on Amazon for $20 and have already more than gotten my money's worth!  (I will say that I feel like all of the butt lift moves are the same though, which gets old.)

3) Mocktails:  I thought I would miss having a nice glass of wine with dinner, but I quickly realized that I actually don't miss alcohol, just the feeling that a night is "special" or a "celebration" because you're drinking something fun.  I've had a couple of virgin margaritas, daiquiris, sparking grape juice, and other mocktails and they really make it much easier (and more fun) to go without the real stuff.

4) Starbucks Decaf Iced Mocha Lattes:  Decaf coffee kind of stinks, and while I've always taken hot coffee to work with me everyday, the hot weather has made it totally unappealing, so once a week I've been stopping by Starbucks to get a Skim Grande Decaf Iced Mocha (man, that's a pretentious mouthful, isn't it?).  It makes me so much happier!

5) A New Bra: Apparently some parts of me are growing faster than others, so it was very helpful to go in and get remeasured by someone who knew what they were doing!  Turned out my size hadn't changed, but I definitely needed something that was a little more supportive.  It's made such a difference.

And the 5 Things I'm Going Without:

1) A Belly Band: I read about it on blogs and was sure I'd have to invest in one, but frankly the idea of walking around with my pants unzipped and a spandex band around my waist didn't really sound appealing.  I held off on buying one until I "needed it" and just never did.

2) A Husband Pillow:  With the heat outside and the heat of a real husband, the idea of a giant pillow in my bed is not appealing at all.  Maybe I'll change my tune (and yes, I already really miss sleeping on my back) but so far I'm saving my money.

3) A Ton of New Clothes:  When I got pregnant I did a lot of online browsing the maternity sections of Loft, Gap, Old Navy, and Destination Maternity but I never ended up buying anything and I'm so glad I didn't.  I wanted to make sure that I was buying the right size at the right time and not getting a ton of clothes for the wrong season that I would never wear.  I know I will need things, but I don't want to buy a bunch of stuff that I don't need just because it's fun to shop again.  I've also had some very nice people give me very nice hand me downs, so that will help too!

4) The Pregnancy Checklist on The Bump:  I learned my lesson with Wedding Planning.  Nothing stressed me out more than The Knot's ticking clocks telling me (literally) I had 147 overdue wedding items on my checklist.  On The Bump (just to add insult to injury) they use crying baby faces instead of ticking clocks.  I'm ignoring them all.  I listen to my doctor and follow along with What to Expect When You're Expecting, and that's enough for me.  No more added stress needed.

5) Flats: So far I'm sticking with my wedges.  Here's hoping that doesn't mean I have swollen feet down the line as punishment!

Almost Halfway!!

So I'm now halfway through week 19 and things have changed dramatically!  I feel so much better than I did in the first few weeks of pregnancy.  Having everyone know has been such a huge relief, and for the most part friends, family, and coworkers have been unconditionally supportive and kind.  I can't tell you how grateful I feel to have so many wonderful people in my life, or how lucky this baby will be to have so many people around to love it!

We have our anatomy ultrasound shortly and I can't wait!  It was amazing to see how much the baby changed from the week 8 ultrasound (a little kidney bean) to week 12 when you could see a perfect profile and he or she really looked like a baby!  I can't wait to see what a difference another couple of months has made.

My energy levels have been better, although I seem to feel fantastic for 2 days and then exhausted on day 3.  I have definitely noticed that my endurance when I run is waaayyy down.  I'm definitely breathing for two!  I feel out of shape, but I try to remind myself that this is an important part of life and that running quickly or really far isn't the goal right now.  I take more walking breaks and certainly don't sprint.  Other days I walk or do a pregnancy workout DVD.

I haven't had to buy any maternity clothes yet, but I did buy a skirt and a couple pairs of capris in 1 or 2 sizes up, which I've been living in.  It's funny that I think my bump grows as the day goes on... I feel like Pinocchio.  By bedtime I think I look super pregnant, but some mornings you can't tell much at all. Summer dresses have been amazing for being comfortable, still fitting me, and camouflaging my stomach.

Of course, there have still been times when I feel totally freaked out or overwhelmed.  It is amazing and terrifying to know that I will never make decisions with only myself in mind again.  As a self-admitted control freak, it is difficult for me to have no idea what (or who!) the future holds.  I guess that's part of the fun?!?!!

Running Pregnant

In my life I have worn many labels.  A freshman.  An English major.  A Pi Phi.  The girl whose dad died.  A marathon runner.  A Phillies Ballgirl.  A copywriter.  An employee.  A newlywed.

As I get ready to start my entree into the new label of "mom" which I hope to carry for the rest of my life (and maybe someday supplement with "grandmother") I find myself aching to remember who I am at my very core, away from being a soon-to-be mom or a happy-to-be wife.  For me, a big part of that is running.  I have been running for as long as I can remember, from the time that it was sprinting out the back door and into the backyard for no reason other than it was there.  I love running.  I love it like a family member... It's a relationship that is sometimes comforting, other times aggravating.  It can sustain you and simultaneously exhaust you.  It can make you feel more happy and alive than you've ever been, or make you feel like a big fat loser.

Mostly I love running because it makes me feel like the best version of me, which is why the pregnant version of me has been wanting to run so badly.  I am fortunate that my doctors have assured me that I can continue to exercise as long as I'm smart about it and listen to my body.  Since my body decided to give me awful back pain followed by a cold that knocked me straight into bed for two days, my workouts have been on the tamer side.  Lots of walking, some elliptical, some treadmill jogging, a little cross training (but after my back gave out again during jumping jacks, this had to be adjusted), one On Demand prenatal yoga class, and one soggy but satisfying hill run on a rainy Saturday morning.

Then today on a beautiful 68 degree holiday, after an almost 10-hour night's sleep, I laced up my sneakers, hit the foam roller, and headed out onto my favorite running route.  I ran this route as a student, a graduate, and on the morning of my wedding.  I ran it through every job I've ever had, and I can so clearly remember what I was thinking or worrying about at any given spot on the road.  It seemed only fitting to be running it again today (even if I had to stop at a restaurant for a pee break... even though I went twice before I left) at 11 weeks pregnant.

It seemed impossible to believe that 6 months ago I ran my 4th marathon, but all in all, I felt great.  I made sure not to let myself get too out of breath and cut off about a mile and a half, but I finished 5 1/2 miles feeling strong and happy and more like myself than I had in months.  From the outside, I knew no one could tell anything was different.  Even in tight running pants and a t-shirt I'm lucky not to be showing yet.  From the inside, I know that everything is, but days like today give me confidence that somehow in 6 weeks, 6 months, and 6 years, I'll still be able to remember who I am and what is important to me with a quick lacing of my sneakers.

The View from Week 11

***A little disclaimer before I begin: Now that I am into my second trimester and we have told people our news, I feel comfortable putting some of my thoughts before my pregnancy was public out in the open.  I realize that there are many wonderful people in the world struggling to get pregnant or struggling to find a perfect person to start a family with.  I wish I could give everyone happiness and peace of mind and the magic ability to make those things happen.  To you, the statements below might seem selfish or make me a bad mom already, and for that I apologize.  That said, I wanted to put my honest feelings out there because I think as women it's easy to act like things are easy (wedding planning on a budget, pregnancy, dieting, great hair like Kate Middleton, a perfect figure, etc.) and that we have it all together when really we're drowning trying to keep up.  Sometimes I believe the most helpful and refreshing thing can be finding something or someone you can relate to to make you feel like you're OK after all and not crazy or "bad" for having a hard time, even with things that you know are a blessing.  My intention here is just to be honest, and if one other pregnant woman (or person who will someday be pregnant or at some point was pregnant) feels a tiny bit relieved reading it, well than it was worth it.  I am so grateful to get to start this phase of my life, and I feel so blessed everytime I hear a heartbeat or see an ultrasound.  However, that doesn't mean I don't have days when I'm exhausted, or frustrated, or feel totally alone.  There you go, disclaimer complete.***

Saturday I hit 11 weeks.  One more to go until I'm "safe" to tell the world.  In some ways, things have gotten easier.  We had our first ultrasound around 9 weeks, and to finally get to see a heartbeat was amazing.  It was a tiny white flash, like a lightening bug on crack, flickering again and again and again.

It was so validating.  Yes, I'm really pregnant, I'm not just lazy or feeling strange because I ate too many bean burritos.  Yes, there is a real life person in there!  I don't know whether it's because this is my first child, or if I don't have a good imagination, or whether I'm already a bad mother (I certainly hope not) but I have a hard time picturing this baby... what he or she will look like (although Mike and I are both convinced it's a boy), how he or she will behave, what my life will be in 6 months, 9 months, or a year.  I think that has made a lot of my pregnancy symptoms "feel" worse because I can't seem to picture this wonderful reward that I'm going through this for... it seems too distant to grasp, like my brain just can't make sense of it yet, and in the meantime I've just had a really strange illness for the last 7 or so weeks that has taken over my body and turned my energy levels into mush.  Seeing the baby helped it feel real, and since then I've carried his or her little picture inside my purse.  (Which is far more fun than viewing and reviewing at a stick with two pink lines on it.)

It has also been easier because now a couple of people know.  We told our moms the weekend of Mother's Day and Mike's dad a couple of days after.  It was so fun to see their excitement, and it's so nice to have more people to confide in.  Having to pretend that you're not pregnant for the majority of everyday is just exhausting.  It's a crazy ruse of sucking in your stomach, coming up with endless reasons not to participate in anything involving sushi, lunch meat, unpasturized cheese, alcohol, caffeine, team sports, tough mudder/spartan races, shopping for clothes, flying anywhere in 3-6 months, etc.  It's amazing how often these items come up when you are trying to avoid them at all costs.

Still, I worry.  I don't want to talk about names or look at baby clothes until I'm out of the miscarriage woods (although it doesn't seem like you get to stop worrying about that until you have a healthy baby in your arms).  I worry about getting through long workdays and working weekends without a break.  I worry about how this new addition will affect my career.  I worry about how people will react when we tell them.  I worry about finances and life insurance.  I worry about what I'll wear to upcoming weddings.  I think of each month and event to come now in terms of how pregnant (read how BIG) I'll be when it gets here.

Still, I know I am so lucky.  I am blessed to have been able to get pregnant.  I am blessed that so far things have gone well.  I am blessed to have a loving and supportive husband.  I am so fortunate to have heath insurance.  I can only hope and pray that things continue this way.



Weeks 6 and 7

***A little disclaimer before I begin: Now that I am into my second trimester and we have told people our news, I feel comfortable putting some of my thoughts before my pregnancy was public out in the open.  I realize that there are many wonderful people in the world struggling to get pregnant or struggling to find a perfect person to start a family with.  I wish I could give everyone happiness and peace of mind and the magic ability to make those things happen.  To you, the statements below might seem selfish or make me a bad mom already, and for that I apologize.  That said, I wanted to put my honest feelings out there because I think as women it's easy to act like things are easy (wedding planning on a budget, pregnancy, dieting, great hair like Kate Middleton, a perfect figure, etc.) and that we have it all together when really we're drowning trying to keep up.  Sometimes I believe the most helpful and refreshing thing can be finding something or someone you can relate to to make you feel like you're OK after all and not crazy or "bad" for having a hard time, even with things that you know are a blessing.  My intention here is just to be honest, and if one other pregnant woman (or person who will someday be pregnant or at some point was pregnant) feels a tiny bit relieved reading it, well than it was worth it.  I am so grateful to get to start this phase of my life, and I feel so blessed everytime I hear a heartbeat or see an ultrasound.  However, that doesn't mean I don't have days when I'm exhausted, or frustrated, or feel totally alone.  There you go, disclaimer complete.***

The last two weeks have been a bit of a rollercoaster.  I hurt my back doing a workout that I did completely pain-free a week before and had to spend an entire off day lying on the couch with a pillow between my legs, totally uncomfortable and unable to take any pain killers to help.  Whenever I get sick or injured I can’t help but feel like I’m a bad person… like I obviously did something wrong to deserve this punishment.

We also had our first doctor’s appointment this week, which was a little bit of a downer as well.  We didn’t get any sort of ultrasound, which I was really hoping for not only to make this all seem real, but because the chances of miscarriage go down so much when you do.  Instead, I got a script for a blood test that I have to go get done elsewhere and a lot of information about future testing that I found totally terrifying.  The worst part for me was that even after they do all this testing there are still false positives and false negatives and even though you’ve given a million vials of blood and  read outdated magazines in dozens of waiting rooms, the best news they can give you is that there’s an 80% chance that your baby won’t have this disease, or a 90% chance that they won’t have that one.  Somehow those odds don’t do it for me, especially since you could be making life-changing decisions based on false information.  It was not remotely comforting to me, just frustrating, and a reminder that even though reaching the end of each week feels like a big milestone to me, there is soo much road yet to travel. 

So many doctor’s appointments that I have to try to travel an hour both ways to and hope that no one at work minds.  So many clothes that will no longer fit.  So many more nights when I will wake up at 4 a.m. (it’s like clockwork now) to go to the bathroom.  So many more worries.  More days when I alternate between nauseous and famished.  Many more months until I feel like myself again, if I ever do.  I realize that this is a blessing, not a burden.  That many women would give up everything just to be able to have these “problems,” but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard or scary when it happens.

It’s been difficult hiding my “condition” from everyone, especially when I’m working 12-hour days with a long commute and not always feeling well.  It’s amazing how many times I haven’t been able to do something, even in the last month, because I’m pregnant.  Dinners out with friends who would absolutely notice that I didn’t order a glass of wine, office happy hours, work yoga classes that I’d love to take but can’t because there’s no sly way to tell the teacher I’m pregnant so I don’t get in any positions that would be a bad idea.  No easy responses to friends and coworkers who ask why I’m not signing up for this race or that one.  No easy explanation for why I hurt myself working out, doing something that was easy a couple of weeks ago.  No one to complain to (but Mike) about how hard it is to give up caffeine, or to make it through a workday when you feel like you might faint or vomit at any second.  A million doctor’s appointments to schedule without anyone catching on, or worse, thinking you’re going on job interviews.   Not feeling comfortable asking about maternity leave benefits because then everyone will know.  Feeling paranoid that people are on to me, or that they saw me quickly closing windows on TheBump.com.  So much uncertainty. 

And then there’s the funny stuff.  The crazy dreams (and waking fantasies) about random food.  Last night it was egg sandwiches and White Dog Parmesan Truffle Fries with their amazing dipping sauce.  Actually, maybe that’s all of the funny stuff, so I guess it hasn’t been so much of a rollercoaster as just a really hard couple of weeks feeling kind of alone and frustrated.  Maybe I need a different doctor who gets me better.  Maybe I need to buck up and stop whining, or maybe I really just need a good night’s sleep.

My First Two Weeks of Pregnancy

***A little disclaimer before I begin: Now that I am into my second trimester and we have told people our news, I feel comfortable putting some of my thoughts before my pregnancy was public out in the open.  I realize that there are many wonderful people in the world struggling to get pregnant or struggling to find a perfect person to start a family with.  I wish I could give everyone happiness and peace of mind and the magic ability to make those things happen.  To you, the statements below might seem selfish or make me a bad mom already, and for that I apologize.  That said, I wanted to put my honest feelings out there because I think as women it's easy to act like things are easy (wedding planning on a budget, pregnancy, dieting, great hair like Kate Middleton, a perfect figure, etc.) and that we have it all together when really we're drowning trying to keep up.  Sometimes I believe the most helpful and refreshing thing can be finding something or someone you can relate to to make you feel like you're OK after all and not crazy or "bad" for having a hard time, even with things that you know are a blessing.  My intention here is just to be honest, and if one other pregnant woman (or person who will someday be pregnant or at some point was pregnant) feels a tiny bit relieved reading it, well than it was worth it.  I am so grateful to get to start this phase of my life, and I feel so blessed everytime I hear a heartbeat or see an ultrasound.  However, that doesn't mean I don't have days when I'm exhausted, or frustrated, or feel totally alone.  There you go, disclaimer complete.***

For me, I thought the hardest things about the start of pregnancy would be giving up coffee and wine.  Coffee has been my reason for getting out of bed for at least the last ten years, and on the very rare occasions that I have missed it, I've usually had a massive headache by the afternoon.  Wine is my reward for a long day, or a great treat with a nice meal out at a restaurant.  It makes me feel like I'm on vacation.  It makes my shoulders unclench and it makes me feel like I can breathe more easily.

So far, I couldn't have been more wrong.  In just over two weeks of knowing that I was pregnant, I haven't really missed wine at all.  I'm down to a cup of coffee that is 1/2 half caff and 1/2 decaf, and I haven't really had any headaches.  I've been working out a lot, drinking a lot of water, and trying to eat like a healthy mother-to-be, so I'm sure that has helped, but overall it's been OK.

The hardest part for me has actually been the total loss of control over my life and my body.  Pregnancy is like eating a couple of raw eggs and just waiting to see how your body reacts.  Will I throw up?  Will I feel fine?  Will I spend the next 2 weeks burping?  Who knows? That's the "fun" of the game!  I have no idea how I'm going to feel.  One day I am so exhausted that I literally can't keep my eyes open (that was last Monday... I came home, ate an orange, fell asleep for an hour and a half, and only woke up because I was drooling on my pillow).  Then Tuesday, I felt fine.  One day I will be ravenous, the next totally normal.  It's like hormone Russian roulette.  

For a crazy, planning, control freak like me, it's a nightmare.  I have no idea whether I'll wake up one day with morning sickness, or whether I'll be one of the lucky ladies who avoid it all together.  I don't know whether I'll be OK to make it through big work meetings.  I have no idea when my clothes will stop fitting me, or when it will suddenly become obvious to everyone that I'm pregnant.  I don't know when to tell people, and not having any women to talk to about this has been hard.  We have a doctor's appointment next Monday, so hopefully we'll get confirmation then that the baby is healthy and A-OK, and maybe down the line we'll feel more comfortable about telling people.

Until then, I do think about what would happen if I had a miscarriage.  I wonder when other people had theirs.  I worry about how I would get to the hospital from work.  I worry that our child could have down syndrome, or a heart defect, or cystic fibrosis.  I worry that I won't be able to handle pregnancy or motherhood.  I read a lot of blogs and try to match my symptoms and weeks up to theirs.  I guess the blogs and "What to Expect When You're Expecting" are my version of a crystal ball... my only way of trying to see into the future.

Every day I feel like I'm just trying to stay on this side of sane.  I'm trying not to get overwhelmed.  I'm worried about finances, about work, and about how my relationship with Mike will change.  I'm worried that I'll drive him nuts by only talking about the baby for the next 9 months.  I worry that I'll never get my body back, that I'll have to say goodbye to all of the clothes that I love, and that I'll never feel attractive again.  It's all very intimidating.  Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person that has ever gone through this, and I have to remind myself that every single person on Earth is a result of this process.